Female Objectification

As a 50 + woman, the continual female objectification horrifies me! The fact that women to this day must tolerate disrespect, sexual harassment and or abuse. Be put down, overlooked and disregarded. And the saddest aspect of all is that we are so conditioned by society to accept it, that most women have at some point participated in upholding these unacceptable behaviours.

I grow up in an era where girls should be angels and boys were taught not to get too drunk or they won’t be able to get it up!  Where no meant you were just playing hard to get – come catch me and you made your bed now lay in it. Dress like that and you’re asking for it, nice boys don’t want spoiled goods and it’s hard for men to control themselves.

What kind of messed up messaging is this! And shockingly I don’t believe it’s changed that much.

My first experience of intercourse was rape and it’s taken me more than 30 years to be able to speak out.

Why am I speaking out now?

Because as a female empowerment coach, I see time and again the shame and blame that is placed upon women for the unsolicited objectification. Often, we place that blame or shame or both on ourselves… What could I have done differently? If I had not done XYZ this wouldn’t have occurred. For years I called my rape, non-consensual, I took responsibility for what happened because I willingly went into that bedroom with the intention of experimenting. So programmed by society’s inequality and mixed messaging, that even though I said NO… In my mind, it was my fault.

I had created this situation and so I had to live with it! And I did, and because it was buried, because I held shame, and blame. I entered a world of self-sabotaging cycles which held me captive for three decades. That one incident, those moments within a lifetime, held me fixed in a belief that I wasn’t worthy, and was undeserving…

Obviously, if you had asked me, I would be in total denial, having always been of strong character and outwardly confident. My life was a mess because I had bad luck, liked the wrong men, somehow attracted users. How many times have you said something similar? But not once in those three decades did, I ask why? Why did I attract and allowed users to become part of my life?

When we start to move past the surface Bs of the projection and look deeper, we discover that those moments of unresolved trauma affect everything. Psychically we recover but a big muddy footprint is left on us emotionally and energetically.

Speak up and unite

I use my rape within this article because I feel deeply that we as women need to STOP with the shame game. The horrifying truth is that even in the 21^st century, a point in time where humanity is supposedly becoming enlightened more than 1 in 5 women are actual victims of sexual assault in the UK with 1 in 6 in the USA.

This past weekend I watched Moxie on Netflix and it highlighted to me how little progress there has been since I was an adolescent. I have memories of my bra straps being pinged, of a time when my bra was undone and as I loudly vocalized my distaste, being removed from class and given detention. I remember debating with the headmistress the unfairness of treatment between the genders and I clearly remember her response, “that boys can’t help themselves” …

And I know I’m not alone, even if you are lucky enough to be one of the 4 out of five or 5 out of 6 that have not been subjected to sexual abuse. For sure you will have been subjected to a gender attack.   I know my experiences are not the extraordinary but rather the ordinary and yet we are left to deal with these situations alone, often encouraged to remain silent, told it’s not a big deal.

BUT IT IS A BIG DEAL

And we as women need to start acknowledging that we deserve better. For ourselves, for our children, for each other. We can only combat this pandemic if we support and encourage each other to speak up. Step away from shame and blame and step into unity, a billion voices with one message – WOMEN ARE NOT OBJECTS to be used as entertainment, ego busters or for personal gratification.  

Addressing the muddy footprints

The footprints created by physical, emotional, and psychological inequality builds negative beliefs and values within the very core of being. And the first step is to recognise that we carry these footprints. This goes back to that asking ourselves why? Why do I have repeating situations, challenges?  Once we recognise, they exist (which in truth is a massive step forward) we can get to work on erasing them. 

Not so straightforward… I’d like to say, “one shoe fits all and here’s a magic pill”. But the reality is each of us will react and respond differently to our traumas. Because of the circumstances and severity surrounding the trauma, coupled with our treatment after.  Cultural, the way we were raised, sense of security and stability prior and post. Plus, personality, sensitivities and religious beliefs will all play a significant role in how we need to address the fallout of our trauma.

My fallout

Was a journey of narcissistic relationships… The physicality of my rape didn’t play a massive part in my trauma – I was lucky, mine wasn’t violent. NO, my trauma was birthed from the inability to process emotionally what had happened. Because of the shame, I felt unable to speak out and so there was no one to say that it wasn’t my fault. This in turn created a deep belief that I wasn’t worthy of anyone nice, wasn’t worthy of having a partner who treated me with respect.

My personality changed. In a desperate bid to keep myself safe, to control my environment, I became cavalier.  Displaying bold and outrageous behaviour as if I didn’t have a care in the world. All the while compulsively eating in a bid to stuff down the internal emotional turmoil.

Obviously, this was all playing out on a subconscious level, no one in their right mind, intentionally sets out to catch themselves a narcissist, but that lack of self-worth meant that’s exactly what I did. Again, and again and again, until I asked myself why? Until I removed the rose-coloured glasses of self-deceit and took responsibility for the role I was playing in my life.

Taking responsibility

Is probably the most difficult aspect of the healing journey. We must pull back layer upon layer of lies, coping mechanisms to get to the core of our truth. And when we do, we come face to face with the pain of the trauma. I’d like to say the intensity diminishes with time, but I can’t. The pain hits like it just happened. And often cuts deeper as we have added further abuse from our self-sabotaging behaviours.

But here’s the hard truth. We either chose to face it and change it. Or we continue living an unfulfilled life, creating chaos, upset and further pain for ourselves. The question is, do we remain victims hiding behind a façade of lies or do we become true survivors, able to wear our scars without shame?

I’m reminded of the Kintsugi philosophy here. The joining of the fragmented pieces with gold, not only embracing our flaws but making them beautiful through acceptance.

Returning to wholeness

As I said, there is no one shoe fits all! But I will outline what I did in the desire it inspires and motivate you.

I started with EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping). I found this help me to release the sting of the pain, and gain composure over my emotions without blocking them. Reiki was a life saver in alleviate the overwhelming anxiety that surfaced when addressing this trauma. I listen to positive self-love affirmations daily and kept a healing journal…

Many times I relapsed, but I committed to myself, no matter how long it took! I used inner child healing, shamanic journeying. Underwent a soul retrieval ceremony, meditation, chi gong, Tong Len, the list is endless. Each took me a step closer to rebuilding my life in a way that served and positively fed me.

The most profound healing modality following the release of the pain was reframing. Truly changing the way, I thought about myself. Developing a kinder more loving inner voice, that supported me rather than tore me down, was massive. It helped me set boundaries. And understand the importance of cutting loose people in my life that chose not to respect these changes I was wanting to make for myself.

In conclusion

As women, we need to wake up to the VERY real damage objectivity is creating. We need to STOP suffering in silence and stand together united.

Only by addressing our own traumas, then assist and encourage our fellow sisters to do the same. Can we gain the strength to pull ourselves out from under generations of female objectification. Which promotes female oppression. We need to fortify and embrace the goddess warrior, so we can stand anchored, centred in our divine feminine energy.

And when we do – that’s when real magic, true cosmic alignment will occur. Creating heaven on earth and peace for all mankind.

For further resources, understanding and knowledge on rights as an adult following child abuse then check out this blog post.

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